What If….

Posted: November 28, 2009 in Uncategorized
Amazing that I am back here posting my trials and tribulations.  Yet, I find that this is the only place I can vent and place my feelings.  I guess and I trying to find friendly therapy to an audience of one.  Without having to pay someone of a professional level to dig in the depths of my brain, I guess this is all that I have. 

I love my wife with everything I have but I think she is really scared to deal with me or listen to me in my mental. To the blogosphere, I am mentally spent.  I have given to the point that I don’t think I can give no more.  I have given everything to my family so that they can have and prosper and still it may not be enough.  Only God can determine that.  But, I truly believe that every man should have a passion, a place or peace, just plain something that is his.  In a woman’s world, this would be called ‘Me Time.’  Well, I have seen every passion, every place of piece, every ounce of enjoyment just leave…I have sacrificed myself to pay bills, to fix someones car, to spend on people who don’t give a damn one way or another…I have sacrificed to the point that I might have killed myself from the inside.  Taken out before I got started.  I am truly tired of this type of life.  I have become so resentful, that it is holding things up in my relationship with God.  I truly want this bitterness to be gone, I don’t want my life back, I just want what God wants for me.  I know it is not this.  All that I have gotten out of this is a 3 month running migraine headache.  There are times that my head hurts so bad, I truly want to die.  Yet, there is a thing I come back to…

I come back to that I have given away control of my life.  That stops today.  That stops right now.  I am done living this way, I am done being mentally, spiritually and physically poor, I am done with all of it.  Come hell or high water, I will be doing what God has directed me to do, I will be a man and take my life back.  War has been declared…..God I love you….Please forgive my failures.  I am now ready.

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